Every woman has her dark side..
Do you have a favourite shopping joke? This is one of mine – it’s all about a woman’s dark side..
A woman was at home watching QVC. It was her day off and she was making the most of it. Her husband was out test-driving a Lamborghini, but he’d put the bins out before he’d left, so she didn’t mind. Anyway, she could do with some ‘me’ time. Six months would be good!
She began by finding the most perfect pair of Birkenstocks, just right for the spring. Lazily she made herself a cappuccino with her Illy espresso machine. Just as she was sprinkling the finishing touch of chocolate powder on top, she looked up to see the most stunning Tiana B maxi dress at a Super Bargain price. She used Q Cut. It was only 10am and the day was off to a pretty good start. Then the phone rang.
It was a female solicitor notifying her that her husband had just been in a minor road traffic accident. Nobody had been hurt but he was being held at the local police station as he had been driving a car worth £200,000 in his slippers and with no form of ID. It was imperative that she went to the station with his papers and make a formal identification.
The woman told the legal representative to inform her husband that she was at home and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever on QVC. She decided to watch a few more shows before heading to the police station.
Of course, she was only human, and ended up shopping for the rest of the morning. She was just about heat up a Diet Chef Minestrone soup for lunch when she noticed that Charlie was hosting a three hour Gold Fever show with Jan Springer. Now, she had long been a fan of Charlie’s slow reveal and everything was on Easypay, so it would have seemed silly, nay foolhardy, to dash off now.
In any case the police station was going nowhere, whilst those Hot Picks where being snapped up at a supersonic rate. A woman should never miss the chance to invest in gold, everyone knows that. So, she reached out for her hat box crammed full of Lily O’Brien chocolates which had arrived that morning and felt a frisson of excitement as she reflected on whether now was the time to go for the Julia Roberts popcorn watch? Well, it was on Easypay and with the price of gold increasing all the time, it would be rude not to. She got through to the call centre in Liverpool and snapped up the very last one!! She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the police station. She saw the lady solicitor in the corridor talking earnestly with a WPC and asked about her husband.
The solicitor glared at her and shouted, “You’ve been shopping all day on QVC, haven’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were ogling Simon Biagi and watching Kathy epilate her big toe before her Birkenstock’s close-up, your husband has been languishing in a cold cell all day!
He had no driving licence with him and since you couldn’t be bothered to come to his rescue within the specified 8 hours (under section 44 of the new emergency Home Office regulations), he will have to spend three months in detention before his hearing!”
Feeling thoroughly wretched, the woman broke down and sobbed.
How could she ever forgive herself? This was the man she’d married. He had a tendency to be mean with chocolate, left the toilet seat up and often hogged the remote control….. but three months in prison?!
The woman police officer and the solicitor exchanged glances, chuckled and said, “nah, we’re just pulling your leg. Lighten up. Your day just got better. It’s actually six months!
Now, tell us what you bought.”